“I am what I feel” sums up expressive individualism. Our culture frames identity around discovering what our deepest desires and longings are. To know our longings is to know ourselves.
In Billie Eilish’s 2023 song “What was I made for?” written for “Barbie,” Eilish reflects on the confusing journey to understand her feelings. It’s this journey, she assures herself that will lead to her happiness.
“The end is near!” “Repent!”
Have you ever seen a statement of prophetic warning spray-painted on a wall or in a subway station? got to be honest, I don’t take much notice to such warnings. But what if those warnings were for me and for you?
We are feeling all the feels. Our youngest, Soren, is about to graduate from high school. This has been a season of reflection for Angel and me and a season of preparation. In our children’s ministry hallways at New Life next to each age level we have containers that represent how many days of influence remain for you as a parent before your child launches. I recognize, of course, that there is no finish line for parenting, but one’s influence and role changes significantly in each season.
As we look back on our parenting, the most important things we taught our children were who God is and who they were.
Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome and hard to control. I can remember having intrusive thoughts from the time I was a child. When we drove, I often felt the compulsion to press one foot down on the floor between the telephone poles (and yes, I also hopped over the cracks in the sidewalk). At other times, when walking alone, I remember the persistent thought, “He’s watching you.” I would search the bushes and trees for the one my mind told me was watching me.
The aged prophet Isaiah showed up at the bedside of the middle-aged king. Hezekiah was only about 39 years old and terminally ill. But the prophet was not bringing good news, “Set your house in order, for you shall die, you shall not recover” (Is. 38:1).
The weak king cried out to God, “’ Please, O LORD, remember how I have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good in your sight’. And Hezekiah wept bitterly.” (Is. 38:3).
The atmosphere was lively at our city’s Independence Day celebration. A cover band belted out tributes to classic rock, bouncy houses were extra bouncy, and food trucks lined the field. Under a pop-up tent near the entrance, local politicians shook hands.
One candidate approached me and pulled me into a conversation. Taking the bait, I asked her about her stance on a local issue. My question spun out into a twenty-minute discussion….
I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.
These are not the meetings that you anticipate when you sign up to be a pastor, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.
Over the course of this series, I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.
One friend wisely said, “I think the pastor needs to do his part in hearing the discord, attempt to reconcile, and when reconciliation is not the solution for continued membership, to ensure a good relocation.” She’s right. Here are six ways a leader should respond to those who are leaving:
This summer Christianity today released a podcast series entitled “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill.” I encourage you to check it out. It’s as gripping as it is sobering. In it, Mike Cosper gives the history of the formation of Mars Hill Church. The podcast follows Mark Driscoll’s beginnings as a church planter in 1996 when he launched Mars Hill in Seattle to his quick rise to fame to the church’s ultimate collapse. The details are excruciating. It’s heartbreaking that such an influential community could have gone from leading such a huge cultural wave to closing its doors in a matter of years (Mars Hill ceased to exist in 2014).
Driscoll’s consolidation of power and elimination of personal or organizational checks was the reason for Mars Hill’s tragic demise. It’s easy to watch from the sidelines in judgment, but Mars Hill ought to be a warning to every leader. If you set Driscoll’s bombastic style and troublesome theology aside, there is an important lesson here for every leader: we must never cease to submit ourselves to one another.
Life is more comfortable in black and white. Life is simpler when our enemies are despicable and our friends are admirable.
Outside of New England, America hates the New England Patriots. In the past twenty years, the Patriots have been in the Superbowl an astonishing nine times, winning six of those. Over that span they’ve had the incredible fortune of having perhaps the greatest coach, Bill Belichick, and the greatest quarterback, Tom Brady, in the NFL’s history team-up. On several occasions, the league caught them playing fast and loose with the rules. The combination of success and a marred record has made New England the perfect villain for American football fans.
My son rejoiced when the Patriots’ Tom Brady left the Patriots and signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, leaving the Patriots high and dry. And he celebrated when one of his least favorite football players, Cam Newton, signed as the Patriots new quarterback. Why? Because we like it when our enemies are easy to hate.
THE EVIL EMPIRE
He’s just like his dad and grandfather. I grew up hating the Yankees. My dad used to joke that his two favorite baseball teams were “the Royals, and whoever is playing the Yankees.” I agreed. The problem was, at the height of their powers in the 90s, there weren’t very many unlikable Yankees. I rejoiced when the unlikeable, steroid-abusing A-Rod signed with the “Evil Empire” in 2004. His presence helped justify my hatred.
For those of you who are rolling your eyes at my immaturity, I wonder if you might suffer the same disease in different areas? Did you hope for the worst candidate from the opposition party to make it out of the primaries? When the opposing party is in power, do you hope that they shine, or do you want them to fail (just as long as it doesn’t hurt you)?
For many of us, if we are honest, politics are a team sport, and if our team can’t win, we root for the opposing team to lose.
1. 8 Ways Temptation Actually Works for Our Good: Tim Challies shares eight ways that an old puritan speaks timely truth about our struggle with temptation. He begins with this truth, “Temptation works for good when it sends the soul to prayer.”
2. Critique Gently, Encourage Fiercely: Scott Sauls, who lives out what he says in this article. He begins with this interesting thesis, “This loneliness of ours is not a flaw. We aren’t lonely because something is wrong with us. We are lonely because something is right with us.”
3. The Sin of Racism: Timothy Keller with a thorough consideration of the Bible, race, and racism. He reflects on whether it is appropriate to talk about systemic, not just individual racism, “One of the greatest debates today about racism has to do with the question of ‘systemic’ or ‘structural’ racism. The claim is that there is deliberate, individual racism, but also there are social structures that are supported by the dominant racial group that exclude and oppress racial minorities even though the individuals sustaining the systems may themselves not individually hold or practice conscious racist views and behaviors. In this view, even if individuals are not personally racist, they bear corporate guilt and responsibility for not working to dismantle the structures that oppress.”
4. Where Will the Media Take Us Next? Seth Godin's short post packs a punch. You'll want to read his thought experiments where he compares the media to two classrooms.
5. One of World’s Top Nature Photographers Shares His Secrets: It’s amazing how much work goes into one photo.
When I was 20, my childhood church went through changes in leadership and its vision. I was across the country in the middle of my undergraduate studies in Bible and theology. In my infinite experience and knowledge of leadership (sarcasm alert!), I generously offered my wisdom free-of-charge and wrote a letter to the new lead pastor. I'm still embarrassed by that letter.
The pastor never responded to my letter, but my hunch is he never forgot it. I've never been able to create a relationship with him, and my guess is that he has intentionally kept me at arm's length after that letter. I don't blame him.
Twenty years later, I'm no stranger to being on the receiving end of those letters (and emails, Facebook messages, texts, etc.). During these past few strange months under the cloud of COVID-19, I've received more feedback than any other season of ministry. Every letter is an opportunity for me as a leader to grow in wisdom and humility. But every message takes an emotional and spiritual toll as well. These current events have caused me to reflect on that embarrassing letter and how I might do things differently if I could.
Here are five questions I wish I could have asked my 20-year-old self before he sent that critical letter:
1. How close is your relationship?
The truth is, I was merely an acquaintance with the pastor. Was it wise for my first real communication to be criticism? Recently I hosted one of our online services and one anonymous commenter left only one comment for the entire service: it was a criticism of the sound mix. I private messaged them, but never received a response. I passed on the comment to the tech team, but the hit-and-run comment left me no relational recourse as a pastor.
I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.
These are not the meetings that you think about when you sign up to be a pastor or leader, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.
Two friends have responded to my series on leaving and finding a church with questions about a pastor’s responsibility in the midst of church departures. It’s a fair and helpful question. Over the course of this series I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.
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