church shopping

Strange Questions to Ask Your (future) Pastor

Strange Questions to Ask Your (future) Pastor

I hope you’ve considered why you’ve left your former church (I’ve written on the ten reasons to leave a church here).

 

You’ve already watched a service online, read the church’s doctrinal statement, and visited the church. What comes next?

 

“What does a church believe?” When Angel and I were first married and looking for a home church, I was laser-focused on the prospective churches’ theology and denomination. Those things matter. You will likely also ask, “How solid is the worship ministry?” And, if you have kids, you will definitely ask, “Is the children’s ministry biblically grounded, safe, and engaging?”

6 Ways a Pastor Should Respond to a Departing Congregant

6 Ways a Pastor Should Respond to a Departing Congregant

I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.

These are not the meetings that you anticipate when you sign up to be a pastor, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.

Over the course of this series, I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.

One friend wisely said, “I think the pastor needs to do his part in hearing the discord, attempt to reconcile, and when reconciliation is not the solution for continued membership, to ensure a good relocation.” She’s right. Here are six ways a leader should respond to those who are leaving:

4 Questions to Ask When You Shop for a Church

4 Questions to Ask When You Shop for a Church

After Angel and I were married, we moved to Phoenix, a town new to both of us. We began a several-month-long journey of finding a church that would be repeated again in two-and-a-half years when we moved to New Jersey. I have vivid memories of both church shopping experiences: of the sweet little Anglican church in Phoenix where we were the youngest in attendance by at least four decades and mobbed afterward by kindly congregants who begged us to stay for coffee and cookies; of the 1,000 square foot church on the Jersey shore where our friends and we doubled the size of the congregation and the accompaniment was played by means of a 1980s style boom box which the pastor turned around to push the button at the beginning and end of every song.

It wasn’t long ago that the idea of having more than one church in your lifetime would have been completely foreign. Virtually the entire world died where they were born and rarely left their hometown.[i] In contrast, the average US citizen today is expected to move 11.4 times in his or her lifetime.[ii] Even if you never leave a church for another reason, you will most likely look for a church roughly a dozen times in your life.

Shopping Well

No one likes to church shop.[iii] I certainly hope you don’t enjoy church shopping. Church shopping is a dangerous activity. By its very nature, it places the shopper in the position of being an observer and a critic and not a participant and member. The faster you can shift from critic to member, the healthier it will be for you spiritually and the healthier it will be for the body of Christ.

And yet, sometimes it is necessary. When you look for a church, here are four questions you should ask.

Welcome to McChurch

Welcome to McChurch

The days of being buried in the church where you were baptized and married are long gone for most. Ours is the age of the McChurch.

There are realities embedded in that truth that are good and bad alike. Every cultural location has its own blessings and challenges.

Believe it or not, I don’t think that the problems attendant with our consumerism are wholly bad. Imagine, for instance, how difficult it would to have your congregation embrace the truth that each member is part of a “royal priesthood” (1 Pet 2:9) in France circa 1200 AD. Why would that be so difficult? Because in that culture serfdom would have permeated the identity of the congregation. In a congregation of serfs, it may be easy for them to understand their identity as servants of Christ, but far more challenging for them to internalize the truth that they are priests.

Let’s consider then how our cultural identity as consumers impacts the way we engage with the local church. How does our McDonald’s world shape us?

Here are five statements that shape us as consumers:

1) “I’m broken, therefore I shop.” We look for churches that latch onto our deficits, insecurities, and offer fulfillment to those desires. The pulpit has always been a place where the timeless truth intersects with the cultural questions of the day, but that reality has been heightened in a consumer-driven world. The blessing of this is that the Word of God does offer healing for our brokenness. The problem is that we can be drawn not to the whole counsel of God, but only those portions that we believe help us at any given moment.

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1. Confessions of a Recovering Political Idolater: I resonated with Jared Wilson's post. He says, "I have to stay aware of them, because when I am not consciously and intentionally directing my gaze to the glory of Christ, I can very easily get swept up in the winds of political discourse. I can get too animated by the rise and fall of those who cannot thwart God's purposes. I can get too angry or too disappointed in or too fearful of brothers and sisters who don't think about these things exactly like I do."

2. 4 Types of Churches in Dealing with Politics: Eric Geiger reflects on how churches tend to engage politics. Most importantly, we need to be those who can be offended and changed when the Bible confronts even our political ideologies. “I heard Tim Keller say in a sermon about the Bible: ‘If the Bible really came from God, and wasn’t the product of any one culture, wouldn’t it offend every culture in some way?’ He was not speaking about the Republican and Democrat parties/culture, but I believe the quote applies.”

3. How to Avoid Becoming the Leader Everyone Resents: Helpful advice from Carey Niewhof. He begins, "There is no level of leadership that exempts you from your weaknesses. You can lead one of the largest organizations in the world. You will still have weaknesses and frustrate your team. In fact, higher levels of leadership don’t mask your weaknesses, it exposes them."

4. Still Growing: Melissa Edgington always puts simple truths elegantly. Here she reflects on 21 years of marriage, "When I stepped through the back doors of the church back in 1999 and saw that precious boy that I loved standing at altar, I had no idea that knowing him was going to make me more like Jesus. We have grown. And we’re just getting started."

5. 2 in 5 Churchgoers Regularly Attend Multiple Churches: And four other church trends. An eye-opening read. Aaron Earls reports. In more encouraging news, "Two-thirds of churched adults (65%) and 82% of practicing Christians say they attend church because they “'enjoy doing it.'”

6. For Passion’s Sake: My friend, Anne Imboden just launched her blog at Glory in the Grind. You should subscribe. Her storytelling and sense of humor are great. Here she reflects on her kids and the worthwhile cost of fostering their passions, “It’s both inspiring and exhausting to have a 5 year old who loves to cook. Fueling his fire and encouraging his dream means I need to learn to share my kitchen and resign to the fact that it will never truly be clean again. It means I need to include him on my menu planning, letting him choose recipes from his own cookbooks and kits. It means I need to start preparing dinner at least 30 minutes earlier than usual to allow time to show him each step, wait on his slower motor skills, and clean up mistakes. It means I need to die to myself a little and let go of control, for the sake of supporting his passion… He is capable, and I need to give him opportunities to prove it. (Dinner was delicious.)”

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1. Why Social Media is Not Wise for Middle School Kids: Psychologist Victoria Dunckley begins, "Social media was not designed for them. A tween's underdeveloped frontal cortex can’t manage the distraction nor the temptations that come with social media use. While you start teaching responsible use of tech now, know that you will not be able to teach the maturity that social media requires."

2. Losing Freedoms and Finding Renewal: My friend John Starke with an important question in light of our restrained freedoms with COVID-19, “But if we cannot follow our desires, what will lead us? There will be lots of competing voices directing us and telling us how to live, for sure. For Christians, it’s an opportunity instead to follow the more subtle callings of Christ.”

3. Church Hopping and Shopping: Paul Tripp with a familiar story of our American church experience… and what is concerning about that. He closes with three areas of spiritual weakness that lead to this.

4. George Floyd and Me: Christian hip-hop artist Shai Linne reflects on George Floyd, “For me, “life as usual” means recognizing some people perceive me as a threat based solely on the color of my skin. For me, “life as usual” means preparing my sons for the coming time when they’re no longer perceived as cute little boys, but teenage “thugs.” Long after George Floyd disappears from the headlines, I will still be a black man in America.”

5. Why I’m Religious, Not Just Spiritual: Jim Witteveen explains why the common trope, “I’m spiritual, not religious,” ought to be flipped. He explains, “When it comes right down to it, he believes that he’ll be okay with God because he has, in his mind, created a god that he can feel comfortable with – a god that doesn’t demand too much, a god that doesn’t ask for things that will take him out of his comfort zone, a god who won’t judge him.”

Why Doesn't My Neighbor Go to Church?

Why Doesn't My Neighbor Go to Church?

There was a time when going to church is what respectable people did. Two generations ago, every self-respecting citizen went to church, regardless of their desire to be there or not. When I was in middle school our family became acquaintances with someone at church. My parents ended up doing business with him only to learn later that he was far from ethical in his business dealings. Church, it turned out, was just a handy place for him to expand his business.

Long gone are the days of expected church attendance. And good riddance to them. I have no desire to have our society return to “the good old days” of church attendance insofar as that is merely moral behavior. What I long for are people to yearn for an encounter with a holy and loving God and to experience the warmth of God’s family.

A recent survey asked people why they do and don’t attend church. Those who attend cited reasons such as “to get closer to God,” “because I find the sermons valuable,” and “to be part of a faith community” as some of their answers. Those who don’t attend listed these as their top reasons for not attending:

1.       I practice my faith in other ways

2.       I am not a believer

3.       I haven’t found a church I like

4.       I don’t like the sermons

5.       I don’t feel welcome

That’s a helpful glimpse into the heart of the non-church attender. You might notice that four of the five reasons don’t have anything to do with their beliefs. That means that the most significant objection you might fear from your neighbor (disagreeing with your faith) is unlikely to be the main reason they aren’t attending.

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1.       Church Hunters: Jon Crist's mockumentary skewers church shopping with a smile.

2.       What If I Can't Find the Perfect Church? Josh Buice shares why "Nonattendance was not an option for the early church and it shouldn’t be an option for the modern church."

3.       The Challenge of Really Loving Your Church: Jonathan LaBarge offers not-so-easy wisdom: "Father Cyprian wrote, “No one can have God for his Father, who does not have the Church for his mother.” There will be many times when we will have to say to the church, “I do not much like you right now, but I do love you.”"

4.       Diagnosing and Mortifying the Sin of Complaining: Geoffrey Kirkland reflects, "Everyone does it. It’s all around us. In fact, it’s so normalized and pervasive that we hardly even recognize when it actually occurs. The sin of complaining is one of those “respectable sins.” That is, it’s one that’s hardly spoken about, seldom preached against, and still less frequent, a sin with which Christians persistently wage violent war. Complaining is ugly. Complaining is one of the most commonest and frequent sins that’s almost as easy to find and common as the air we breathe."

5.       How We Spend Our Days: How the average American adult spends their days. An infographic. Lots of fascinating gems in here: religious and spiritual activities are doubled by shopping which itself is doubled by personal care. 

6 Ways a Leader Needs to Respond to a Departing Congregant

6 Ways a Leader Needs to Respond to a Departing Congregant

I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.

These are not the meetings that you think about when you sign up to be a pastor or leader, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.

Two friends have responded to my series on leaving and finding a church with questions about a pastor’s responsibility in the midst of church departures. It’s a fair and helpful question. Over the course of this series I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.