Christian Living

10 Reasons Why You Might Leave Your Church

10 Reasons Why You Might Leave Your Church

It’s that time of year, when transitions happen: seasons close and new seasons begin. Maybe you’re a student who just headed off to college. Maybe you got a new job. Maybe your employer transitioned you. Those are some of the many natural reasons that you might have just left or might be leaving your church in the coming weeks.

Maybe you’ve left or are planning on leaving your church for entirely different reasons, though. Maybe your pastor is in a rut. Maybe the worship grates on you. Maybe you feel like you just don’t know anyone there any longer. Maybe you were injured by someone at the church and you tense up at the awkwardness of returning. Maybe you feel like you’re not getting spiritually fed there any longer. Maybe you are frustrated with how your church has handled Covid-19.

In this four-part series we will explore appropriate reasons for leaving a church, how to leave a church, how to choose a church, and how to join a church.

Let’s explore some of the most common reasons[i] people leave the church and reflect whether they are appropriate or not.

1) I feel disconnected

“The church doesn’t feel like home any longer. My friends have left and I feel like I’m at someone else’s church when I arrive.”

It’s not appropriate to leave: losing friends is hard, but we shouldn’t leave a church because our friends have left. Part of the joy of the church is that God brings together strangers into community. Do the hard work of starting a new small group or serving in a new ministry and God will surely bring about new relationships.

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. Husbands, Be Like Adam: Usually we consider the ways Adam failed as a husband. But he did succeed in at least one way. Aaron Sironi explains that, “When we experience a dire situation, we are tempted to wallow in shame and to despair and turn against others. We must remember and believe God’s promises and his Good News, but not just for ourselves. We must turn in faith and love and speak with hopeful confidence to those around us.”

  2. I’m Not All That Awesome: Adam Ramsey explains, “The gospel means that I’m not all that awesome. But I am loved. And that’s awesome. The gospel frees me to be honest about the ways I fall short instead of being crushed by them, because it reminds me that Jesus was crushed for me.”

  3. I Do Ordinary Work: Dan Doriani explains that ordinary work is beautiful work. He concludes, “So let us lay down the deflating rhetoric of “I just” and affirm the value of ordinary work. Let us also look to change our corner of the world, even if our corner is modest and only a few notice what we do. If our Lord sees it, that should be enough.”

  4. Fear No Evil: My friend Anne Imboden reflects on fear that grabs our heart and how to navigate it. She says, “Fear comes in two forms: rational and irrational. When we’re young, irrational fears are common. Monsters under our bed, for example. I myself had a ridiculously irrational fear of swallowing pills. I was sure the pill, however small it was, would lodge itself in my throat and I would suffocate. I insisted on taking all medicines in liquid form until I was in high school.”

  5. How Do We Overcome Sexual Sin? Bob Kelleman points us to analyze our longings. He says, “Jesus knows all about all of us. As our Creator, He knows that our core issue is a worship issue. That’s why, with the Samaritan woman, He doesn’t focus on her “co-dependency” or even her “sexual addiction” per se. Jesus focuses on her core spiritual thirst.”

Why the Enemy Wants You to Think You’re Alone

Why the Enemy Wants You to Think You’re Alone

“I’m sure no one has ever told you this.”

“It’s so bad. You are going to think terrible things about me.”

“Everyone would hate me if they knew what I was thinking.”

“There is no one who loves me for me.”

I’ve heard each of these helpless words from those who sat on the couch in my office. They are raw, vulnerable, and heartbreaking confessions. The words leak hearts’ crippling loneliness and fears that they are destined to remain alone.

I’ve been there. Discouragement spiraled into depression. I multiplied my angst by entangling myself in sin. I didn’t think anyone would understand. I was too afraid to ask anyone for help. Lies compounded sin.

I remember sitting on the other side, watching my wife Angel slide into depression and then sin. It was debilitating to watch her slip into darkness, and I didn’t know how to get help. I felt frozen. I felt as though there was a layer of me no one would ever know. These were all lies. But they were powerful lies.

Satan traffics in lies. He wants you to believe that God is not good, that you are alone, and that your shame can never be removed. Those are all profound deceptions. In 1 Peter 5:8, we are reminded to “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Don’t be deceived, Peter says; you have to fight to stay out of the enemy’s jaws. There is one who intends to destroy you.

The Robbery of Victimhood

The Robbery of Victimhood

As a boy I was fascinated with pain. I often wondered how the pain I felt compared to pain others felt. I mostly kept this to myself, but there was at least one occasion I got into an argument with friends about who had experienced the most pain.

We all shared our stories: fractured limbs, concussions, road rash, and a hernia (that was my trump card). As each story concluded the storyteller would lean back, content with his story, expecting white flags to be raised in defeat. But, in fact, each of us was disappointed with the reception of our tales of woe. Our friends seemed unmoved by our ghastly pain and then would jump in with their own story, believing they could one-up the pain the last storyteller experienced.

I look back with embarrassment at the immaturity this pain one-upmanship revealed in me. My lack of empathy revealed a narcissistic heart. Thinking that my own pain was greater than anyone else’s only demonstrated my ego. Today’s culture of victim reveals similar truths about our collective hearts.

The Wild Draw Four Card of Victimhood

There is nothing more powerful in today’s culture than playing the card of victimhood. Like a kid holding onto the Wild Draw Four card in Uno, we hold tight to our victim card, pulling it out at just the right moment, expecting it to guarantee our victory.

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. Your Spouse Doesn’t Have to Be Your Best Friend: Shane Morris thinks that friendship in marriage is important, but that we can miss out on other friendships God has for us. He begins, “Perhaps you’ve noticed the popular recasting of marriage as primarily a very close friendship. Young couples (frequently when posting photos of each other on social media) will say, ‘I married my best friend.’”

  2. Five Things to Say to Help a Depressed Christian: Simple, but important advice from Eliza Huie. She begins with this, “God cares about your suffering. Your pain matters. God isn’t looking down hoping you get it together soon. He loves you. He grieves with you. And he cares that you are hurting.”

  3. Learning from the Hours: TM Suffield explains the theological significance of how the days are explained in Genesis 1, “’And there was evening and there was morning, the first day’ and each day thereafter. Evening, then morning. That’s backwards.”

  4. Giving in Retirement: What should giving look like in retirement? CJ Cagle explains. One question he asks is, “Which is a greater priority: spending and giving or leaving an inheritance? The biggest challenge with this question is that the Bible seems to encourage all these things.”

  5. The Universe on a Human Scale: I could watch videos like this all day long. How great is our Creator?

The Horocruxes of Sexual Sin

The Horocruxes of Sexual Sin

In the Harry Potter series, the villain Voldemort, longing for immortality, breaks his soul into seven pieces. He believes that if he can split his soul into seven objects, even if one part is destroyed, the other parts will live on. But the consequence of creating a Horocrux was unspeakable. A fractured soul is an un-whole self, broken beyond comprehension. In Albus Dumbledore’s words, Voldemort was a “maimed and diminished soul.”

Sexual sin offers a similar lie to us. Sexual temptation suggests that fidelity won’t satisfy. If one sexual partner is good, more partners will be better. Why not experience pleasure with multiple partners? Think of what you are missing out on. Consider what that one partner doesn’t give you. Or, if you’re not married, how do you know you ever will be married? What does it hurt to fast forward that pleasure to now?

The voice of sexual temptation has a thousand answers to our rebuffs. We need a louder, clearer voice of warning than the persistent whine of temptation. In Proverbs 7, Solomon warns his son against the dangerous tongue of sexual temptation,

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. The Liturgy of Social Media: This post is similar to my recent series on consumerism. In it TM Suffield shares ways the messages social media subtly shapes us with. He begins with this, “1. The instant is important: New matters. Whatever is newest matters most. Breaking news, new status updates from friends, this week’s bruhaha on the bird site.”

  2. A Letter from a Teenage Anti-Christian Skeptic: Randy Newman’s post highlights a surprising skeptic. God really is amazing, isn’t he?

  3. 4 Types of Itching Ears: Eric Geiger explains the difference between theological, lifestyle, ethical, and political itching ears. He says what makes them similar is this: “With all the itching ears, the starting point is the error. Instead of beginning with the Scripture, the person begins ‘with what they want to hear.’ Itching ears are never sanctified ears because instead of being conformed by teaching they curate teaching “for what they want to hear.”

  4. God Scares Me to Death: Ed Welch considers why speaking aloud the frightening truths of our hearts is beneficial. He concludes, “Your soul is close to the breaking point already. The one who now strikes fear in your heart is the only one who can assuage your fears and mend a soul in pieces.”

  5. Pride in the Name of Love: Jared Wilson on just how deep the disease of selfishness goes. “The Christian message begins with the stark realization that we are not the center of the universe. Like Leo in Titanic, we stand at the bow, spreading our arms to span the horizon, not realizing we’re headed for disaster. We proclaim, ‘I’m the king of the world!’ And then the ship sinks.”

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. He Would’ve Come With Me: This is a beautiful story about how God can change hearts. He reflects, “It was, for me, one of the more miraculous heart changes I had ever seen. I remember thinking to myself, “If God can change this old man’s hatred toward Muslims, and replace it with love, well then maybe I’m not crazy for thinking God can change Muslims’ hearts as well.”

  2. Prioritize Your Church: Brent McCracken shares The Gospel Coalition’s heart that its readers would commit to the local church. He says as much as they want you to read their articles, they urge you theirs is something they want you to do far more. “But honestly, there’s an action we’d invite you to take that’s more vital to your spiritual health than almost anything you could click on (including here). What’s the action I’m talking about? Be committed to a church.”

  3. In the Beginning There Were No Canyons: I love this parable from Tim Challies with deep truths about our hearts and suffering. Here he describes the moment canyons were made, “So the Master spoke to the Skies and in an instant a great bolt of lightning leapt from the heavens to the earth, striking the Prairie with a heavy blow. The Prairie cried out in agony and for a long while mourned the gaping, jagged gash that had been left upon it—a deep, charred scar that contrasted sharply with the bright grasses and vivid flowers around. “Why, Master?” it sobbed in bewildered sorrow.”

  4. Jesus isn’t Scared of My Suffering: Bethany Barnard shares the story of her struggle with severe OCD and depression. Make sure you watch her music video as well. She concludes, “The hurdles of traumatic circumstances, doubt, and mental-health struggles no longer feel disqualifying to me as a Christian. They are an irreplaceable grace he gives to reveal his heart to us.”

  5. Magically Turning Into a Banana: This guy’s videos are fun.

Signaling Our Consumption

Signaling Our Consumption

I still remember how aghast my dad was when the Nike Swoosh became prominently displayed on apparel. “I can’t believe people are paying money to be walking advertisements!” he said in disbelief, “Nike should be paying them!”

No one bats an eye at such branding any longer. A brand stands not just for the product itself, it is a social signal, marketing not just the company, but the consumer.[i]

“Nowadays you shouldn’t have a company that is not contributing in some fashion or form or sense to a cause, because the people today who buy a product, they want to know what you have done for somebody else lately,”[ii] Fubu’s Daymond John reflected on his experience investing through Shark Tank.

Consuming Worship

Consuming Worship

The gathered people of God have always sung. Paul incorporates what appear to be familiar songs in his writing, John shares songs in Revelation, and the Psalms provided a hymn book for the early church. The earliest house church discovered in Syria dates to the early 3rd century AD and is covered with beautiful frescoes (one of which I include below). The church from the very beginning worshiped through art.

Gregorian chant developed in the 9th and 10th centuries and then expanded during the 16th century. The Reformers (with Martin Luther leading the way) wrote songs commoners sang along with.[i] A flood of church music was ushered in over the course of the 17th and 18th centuries as Baroque and Classical composers came on the scene and created timeless music for the church.[ii] But even with the advent of such a rich period of church music, it pales in comparison with what even the average churchgoer sings today. The pace of change has never been faster than it is today.

The church began to sing choruses in the 1970s, but they were catapulted to acceptance in the 1990s. Bands such as Delirious and Passion ushered in a new category of worship music that has dominated the Christian music industry and our sanctuaries for the past 30 years. Today we have access to worship music every waking hour through any host of devices and platforms.