SShe was one day old with the brightest, bluest eyes, a bald head, and the cutest little ears that stuck out almost perpendicular from her head.
We checked out at the front desk of the hospital with our baby girl in the car carrier and walked to the car. As the safety officer checked out the security of our car seat base, a wave of fear came over me. Why would they let us take this beautiful baby home?
Being a parent felt fearful because it mixed deep love with deep uncertainty. When Camille was born, I became acutely aware of all the things that could go wrong — the physical dangers, the emotional hurts, educational hurdles, relational struggles, ungodly temptations — I feared for my beloved baby girl.
What are your parenting fears?
In the face of a threat, we tend toward one of the three classic responses: fight, flight, or freeze. To fight is to try to control—your child, your circumstances. When we take flight, we jump to appeasement. Freezing is shutting down and withdrawing. When fears rise up about your child, which response(s) do you tend toward? For many of us, our intuitive reaction to a threat against our child differs from our reaction to a threat against ourselves. Many momma and papa bears are ready to fight when their children are threatened, but may flee or freeze when a threat is directed at themselves.
A fighting (controlling) parent leans toward legalism: creating rules to protect our children from danger. Legalism is faux security. We fear for our children’s safety, so we don’t let them go to the park. We fear that our children will become addicted, so we forbid screen time. We fear our children won’t be successful, so we push them to earn straight A’s. A fleeing or freezing parent leans toward license: granting unrestricted freedom. License is faux self-protection. Out of fear of how our children will perceive us, we abdicate our responsibility to guide them. We are permissive: we allow them to eat what they want, watch what they want, go where they want, do what they want, when they want.
Gospel shaped parenting falls into neither trap.
Right after God gave Israel the Ten Commandments, Moses instructs them that the covenant they have made is to permeate and shape the culture of their homes. He says,
4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[b] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deut 6:4-9).
The declaration begins with the character of God and a call to set hearts on him. Look ahead in the story and you will see why. God is preparing his people to enter the Promised Land. At 120 years old, Moses hands over leadership to Joshua assuring him, “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Dt. 31:8). Moses urges Joshua to keep the people’s eyes on the Lord who will dispel their fear. God repeats the same message to Joshua after Moses’s death, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Josh. 1:9).
What is the antidote to fear-based parenting? Looking to the Lord and trusting his character. Speaking the Lord’s character over ourselves and over our children in the morning, at lunch time, at dinner time, before we go to bed, and every time in between.
Believing the Lord is present and believing the Lord is leading is the only hope we have to dispel fear. He is your pillar of cloud by day and your pillar of fire by night.
How does the Lord lead? Let’s look just before the Ten Commandments are given. Before God speaks the commandments to the Israelites, he gave them an identity: “Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine; and you shall be to me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.’ These are the words that you shall speak to the people of Israel.” (Ex. 19:5-6).
Before God called the Israelites to do, he reminded them who they were. Gospel-based parenting echoes that pattern. God’s covenant relationship with you is essential for living as His people. Consider how Paul speaks affectionate identity to Timothy as “my true child in the faith” (1 Tim. 1:2). In the first line of almost every letter, Paul addresses the churches as “saints.” He doesn’t leave it there. He reminds them that they are sons of God, heirs of God’s promise, the body of Christ, the temple of the Holy Spirit, and on and on. Gospel-based parenting cuts through the lies of the world and reminds our children of the truth of their identity in Christ.
I want my parenting to be free of the fears that so easily rise up within me. My only hope is to point myself and my children to who God is and who we are in him. Gospel-based parenting releases us from the grip of fear into the arms of our protective Father — the One who loves our children even more than we do.
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Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash