In the past post we considered the biblical priority of leading in our homes before stepping into leadership callings outside of our home.
When I was asked to speak to our Mom’s Matter group on leading well in the home I was a bit intimidated. I felt far from equipped to speak as a man to women on the topic of leadership. And so, I did the only thing I could think of: I asked wise, godly women who were also great leaders. Starting with my wife, I began to listen to the advice my female friends offered on leadership in the home and beyond.
I discovered a few things. First, I was surprised how home-centric their advice was. These women are leaders in and out of their homes, but their focus was on the home. They intuited the biblical priority of the home that we considered in last week’s post. Second, I couldn’t believe how aligned their wisdom was. I presumed that I would have to significantly trim the advice they offered, but what I found was that there were strong echoes of their collective wisdom. Third, I was surprised how relatively gender-neutral their wisdom was. If I was to give a talk to men on leadership in their home, I couldn’t improve on their list.
I sorted their wisdom into the top ten ways to lead in the home. I will share that, and then, return to the list and consider it with eyes beyond the home. What components of this list relate to outside of the home as well? What is different?
Here are the top ten ways to lead your home, with wisdom offered from my friends below each item (their statements are in quotes).
1. Pray.
We all know how important prayer is, but is there a more difficult discipline? 44 years in and I feel like a novice. But if we believe that it is God who is the one who brings about transformation in our lives and in the life of our spouse and the lives of our children, then we must depend on prayer. Perhaps the most important thing I do as a dad is beginning each day in prayer with my family and ending each day in prayer over my wife and my two kids.
§ “I feel like I fail at prayer all the time but I'm learning this year that leadership in the home starts with prayerfully being an open vessel for God to use. We can't raise our kids except on our knees.”
§ “Rely on the Holy Spirit to move. He will move your child’s spirit toward himself. Trusting him is big for me because it’s not my doing. Releasing my children’s lives and minds and spirits to him constantly helps me remember this.”
§ “Pray blessings over your children every day. Pray in the car on the way to school, at the bus stop, at the breakfast and dinner tables, when you wake them and when you put them to bed.”
2. Seek God and display Christ.
Your leadership flows out of your relationship with Christ. John Maxwell says, “We cannot lead anyone else further than we have been ourselves.” We can’t expect our children to grow in godliness if we are not growing in godliness ourselves. Christ must be the foundation of my leadership.
§ “Point your kids to Jesus with all that you say and do. How we act toward our spouse and others will show them your relationship with Jesus.”
§ “The more I focus on God, the more he transforms me.”
§ “Let them see you in God's Word.”
§ “Tell you kids your story of coming to Jesus - often. Let them know your faith struggles in an age-appropriate way.”
§ “Leadership stops to pray, study scripture, listen, and worship God... both seen and unseen.”
3. Teach your children Christ.
Just as you develop a palate for good food, your children need to have their spiritual palates expanded. Don’t expect children to naturally hunger for growing deep in their faith. Just as, left to their own, children would happily live on a diet of Mac & Cheese, hot dogs, pizza, ice cream, and Oreos, in our own flesh we will not naturally discern what it looks like to dive deep into God’s word and prayer and grow in sacrificial Christ-like living.
§ “Study the Bible together.”
§ “Be faithful in attending and worship at church.
§ “Point their eyes to Jesus, always pointing to him.”
§ “Teach them faith by example. Do not lie or act deceitfully because children are always watching and listening to what we do (even more than what we say). Do not say, ‘don’t tell daddy…’”
§ “Be generous with time and money, helping others and reaching out to neighbors and friends who need help and pray for others when they are in need.”
§ “Serve others outside your family.”
§ “Let them see you serve others outside of your home and family.”
4. Put your spouse first.
I still remember when Angel told me I was not putting her first. She was right. I had lots of excuses, but none were valid. It didn’t matter if my excuse was that I was serving the church, it didn’t matter if I was a better husband than others. If I can’t love my wife well, I have no business trying to love others well. If I can’t lead my wife well, I have no business leading others.
§ “When I learned that my husband needs respect, even when he’s hard to respect just as badly as I need love when I’m most unlovely (that rough time during a cycle or when I don’t feel beautiful for lots of reasons) my attitude changed significantly.”
§ “Find ways to bless your husband and encourage him. Put him first even in the children's company. Don't allow the children to become your idols: the best thing you can do for them is give them a stable and happy marriage with their dad. Don't allow the children to be taller than both of you by allowing them to divide you.”
§ “A godly wife needs to totally trust her husband to God.”
§ “Your husband is first - and the kids need to see that. They also need to see that he puts you first and esteems the giftings you have been given.”
§ “Learn to argue/fight in a healthy manner with your spouse. And if you can't figure that out, see a counselor for a few sessions on that. Let your kids see you argue (if you can do it in a healthy way) and let them see you resolve and make up.”
§ “Leadership of a wife builds up and honors her husband in words, actions, and attitude.”
5. Develop strong friendships.
We are not made to go it alone and neither our spouse nor our children can be the entirety of our support system. God made us for his family (the church) and we need friendships who can encourage us and correct us.
· “My grandma counseled “get some girlfriends” when I asked her what helped her raise such a beautiful family and have a good marriage.”
· “Find godly women friends to encourage, exhort and pray with.”
· “Reach out to others when you need help, teach children to do the same. Form friendships/tribes for support. Community is very important!”
· “Find a mentor who you can share, confess, and receive encouragement from.”
6. Speak encouragement.
Your spouse and your children are not cacti, they are water lilies: they need the water of your encouragement daily. And if they don’t get it from you, they will turn to the world for the counterfeit it offers.
§ “It is very important to intentionally teach children how to respect and value other people and themselves. I think we need to be careful when discussing other people, not to gossip or slander others. And if a mom is married, she should show utmost respect and love toward her husband (especially in hearing distance of the kids). Kindly show affection, playfulness and respect toward him. Give him compliments, encourage him and thank him for going to work every day.”
§ “Be your kids’ biggest fans, not their harshest critics - they will battle that inner voice for the rest of their lives.”
§ “Leadership discerns the hearts of her children. Encouraging goodness and progress, ‘sandwiching’ correction with encouragement and in love, challenging children to meet new goals whether that is learning how to drink from a cup with no lid to potty training to laundry to filling out college applications.”
7. Teach your children who they are in Christ.
Our world seeks to define who we are all the time. You are defined by what you own. You are defined by your career. You are defined by the power you wield. Our children need the daily dose of our truth-speaking that they might be able to fight back the lies of the world. Virtually every night of our children’s lives we have tucked them in. And every night we prayed over them prayers that speak of who they are in Christ (we’ve received encouragement that our book Trading Faces has helped others do this as well). It is our hope the accumulation of those prayers would be a foundation in a world that desires to blow it up.
§ “Learn how to ask good questions to your children.”
§ “Never stop tucking them in. It may look completely different at 2, 12 and 16 - but let their night end with the last words of ‘I love you and I'm praying for you.’”
§ “Remind your children who they are in Christ.”
8. Be ready to admit being wrong and ask forgiveness.
Nothing requires more humility than repentance. And we are called to be the lead repenters in our home. We shouldn’t expect our children to ask for forgiveness when we haven’t modeled that to them.
§ “Pick your battles and know which hills you are willing to die on. Hair can be cut or grown out. Ear piercings will heal. Hair color will grow out.”
§ “Be ready to admit being wrong and humbly ask for forgiveness and apologize...they model what they see and hear from us.”
§ “When you make mistakes, rectify them with a humble and loving apology.”
9. Have fun.
Fun is sticky. Fun is important. Fun might feel frivolous at the time, but the moments your children will remember are moments of joy and laughter. They will remember the joy of family traditions and will want to be around you far longer the earlier you learn how to enjoy one another.
“Leadership serves joyfully.”
“Make memories...lots and lots of memories.”
“Leadership creates traditions and memories. (Anything from how birthdays are celebrated, lunchbox notes, family vacations, holidays, table setting, etc.)”
“Enjoy God and friends and family. Be intentional to make meaningful relationships, to start traditions and make memories.”
“Take photos...lots and lots of photos (and print them out).”
10. Love.
What is the one thing you want your home to be characterized by? It’s love, isn’t it? The warmth of your home’s love and the warmth of your leadership will get your children through difficult days and fights far better than the clearest and strongest argument you could ever make.
§ “Above all - love. Starting the day getting your heart aligned keeps that love at the surface of your heart - especially when frustration sets in. Your tone will speak more than your words.”
§ “Do everything in love.”
A bonus 11th piece of advice:
“Leaders will put others needs before their own. After all, that is what a mom does all day long! A mom is a natural leader! Embrace it. Be intentional!”
Now, that is a pretty great list for leading at home, isn’t it? I would love to hear what you might add to it.
Step back from that list and ask yourself: what is different from the list of leadership in the home and a list of organizational leadership? My answer is that there isn’t much difference at all. And doesn’t that prove what we have argued the Bible asserts: our first and best leadership is to be given to our home. And if we get that right, we can’t help but lead outside of our home.
Let’s consider the list through the eyes of organizational leadership.
1. Pray. Every day I step into the office I must recognize I am not sufficient for the calling God has placed on my life. Wherever God is calling us as leaders we must recognize we need his grace and power.
2. Seek God and display Christ. Wherever we are called to lead, we are called to shine Christ’s light (Matthew 5:14-16).
3. Teach your co-workers Christ. You might not be able to explicitly evangelize, but wherever we are, we are called to show the way of Christ: his humility, his generosity, his service, his peace, his joy.
4. Put your spouse first. If you are married, your spouse is always to be prioritized over your vocational calling. This may well require sacrifice, but this is Christ’s calling for us and it is a calling you will never regret being faithful to.
5. Develop strong friendships. A workplace with friendships is a healthy workplace. Don’t keep your colleagues at a cordial distance, invite them into your life. Open your heart and your home to them.
6. Speak encouragement. A healthy leader is an encouraging leader. Have eyes to notice when your colleagues have done well and be their biggest cheerleader.
7. Teach your colleagues who they are in Christ. Again, you might not be able to be explicit about this, but in your actions treat every colleague as an image bearer of God. Treat them with the respect they deserve as God’s creation. See the work Christ is doing in their lives and point it out.
8. Be ready to admit being wrong and ask forgiveness. The mark of a great leader is humility. And the truest mark of humility is repentance. Ask for forgiveness from your colleagues, even if they bear most of the blame. Find the speck in your eye and ask for forgiveness for it.
9. Have fun. A great organization is a laughing organization. Take time to laugh, take time to play. It’s not time wasted, it is time well spent.
10. Love. Love your colleagues well. Be there when they are hurting. Be there when they are celebrating.
The same list for your family and your workplace? It’s amazing how that works, isn’t it? It’s how God designed it. May we lean into our families as we grow in our leadership calling.
You May Also Appreciate:
Part 1: Leadership In Your Home and Beyond
Part 2: The Top Ten Ways to Lead in Your Home (and Organization, Too!)
Photo by Vivek Kumar on Unsplash