Three. That is how many days we get our girl home from Easter until Thanksgiving. Camille just finished her junior year in college, and Soren (our son) just finished his freshman year. We are so proud of Camile and Soren. They are earnestly pursuing the Lord, filled with his grace, and just delightful people.
A parent’s role never ends; it just changes. Every time I hold a child in my arms on a dedication Sunday, I reflect on the holy and weighty call of a parent. If I had the opportunity to sit with myself over coffee on the day we dedicated our children, here is what I would say.
Parent with the end in mind
Many have said that, for parents, the days are long, and the years are short. I couldn’t agree more. As a parent of an infant, your sleep is wrested from you. The toddler years bring tantrums as your child tries to figure out how to express their needs verbally. Determining how to rein in the lure of the screen will begin (it won’t ever go away). Then comes the challenge of helping your child navigate the complexities of relationships and responsibilities. Extracurricular activities will come calling and won’t relent. The teenage years will bring heightened emotions, emotional and psychological stress, and the tension of independence and boundaries.
It is easy to get pulled into the whirlwind of parenting and lose sight of your goals. Early naval navigators used the sun and stars for navigation. Setting one’s eyes on the waves, a patch of seaweed in front of your vessel, or even the clouds will lead to a navigational disaster. Fix your eyes on that which is constant and set your goals beyond the shifting phases of childhood.
I heard it said that wise parents aim to have their adult children follow Jesus and want to spend time with them. As parents, we can’t ensure that these goals are met, but they can help frame the way we parent our children. Instead of responding in fear to a child who is throwing tantrums, struggling academically, addicted to screens, questioning God, or challenging your authority, we can parent with the end in mind, making decisions to help foster our child’s love of God and protect our long-term relationship.
Each child is different
Angel and I only have two children, but as I’ve watched many others parent their children, I’ve perceived that learning something that works for one child means only that you’ve learned something that works for one child.
While the stages of development are similar, each child is different. Be a thoughtful observer of your children and adaptive in your approach while maintaining your principles.
Your spiritual health is the most critical factor to your family’s spiritual health
There is nothing more significant to protecting your wife and children’s spiritual health than making sure you are growing spiritually. Protect your time in the Word and prayer. That can be alone or together. Both are important, but don’t fall prey to the Western notion that time alone is more important than time spent in the Word and in prayer together. Pray and read the Bible with your wife and children. Go to church, serve at church, and get involved in community at church. There is no spiritual practice that will catapult you to spiritual health in a day, week, or month, but faithful practice will not return void.
The world isn’t neutral
Christians seem to swing back and forth in our relationship with culture. For some, a fear of the world drives them to withdraw from the world. Others see themselves as change agents in the world. You can make a biblical argument for both camps. As a parent you’ll have dozens of decisions to make that hinge on which way you lean in this tension: what shows do you let your child watch? Which school do you put your child in? Or do you homeschool? What music will you let your pre-teen listen to? What clothes will you allow your teen wear?
While it is true that Christians are to be change agents in this world (salt and light, according to Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount), my experience is that most of my parenting failures stemmed from underestimating the allure of the world. In general, I think I was too naïve and overly permissive. I underestimated the impact of screens and was poor at holding firm to boundaries. As atheist Jonathan Haidt has noted in his book The Anxious Generation, we cannot underestimate the malforming effect of modern technology on our children.
My hunch is that most Christian parents underestimate just how powerful the powers and principalities (Eph. 6:12) in this world are. As John says, “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world” (1 Jn 2:16).
The church
Having mere belief in God is not likely to transform your children’s lives. If you want your child to be a football fan, watch football with them and sign them up for Pee-Wee football. It’s no different with your relationship with Jesus. Your children’s faith will be most impacted by how they see you live out your faith. It has been reported that only 33% of children whose moms took them to church regularly will continue attending church as adults, while 67% of children whose fathers attended church with them regularly continued attending church as adults.
Jesus tells us that the world will know we are his disciples by our love for one another (Jn 13:35). Paul tells us that the Spirit has given us gifts for the upbuilding of the local church (1 Cor. 12:7). And John tells us that the glorious new heavens and new earth will commence with the wedding between the bridegroom (Jesus) and his bride (the church) (Rev. 21:1-4). If you are a Christian, you are meant to be serving the church.
Ask for forgiveness
I can assure you of two things as a parent: your child will sin against you, and you will sin against them. You won’t want to sin against your children, and you will be embarrassed when you do. And there will be all kinds of reasons why you sinned against them. When you sin against your children, ask for their forgiveness—even if their sin was greater than yours… even if circumstances were stressful. Even if your sin wasn’t that bad, all things considered. And do better than a quick, “I’m sorry.” Confess how you hurt them, let them share their feelings, and ask them if they will forgive you (true forgiveness is an exchange).
There is no better way I know of living out the gospel in front of your children than confessing your sins to them and asking for their forgiveness. Your repentance will be a balm for their souls, helping to heal their hurt. Your repentance will make it clear that you take your sin more seriously than theirs. Your repentance will demonstrate humility. Your repentance will make it easier for them to repent when they sin.
Happy Father’s Day, fellow dads. You have such a difficult but essential job. I’m praying for you and rooting for you.
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Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash