As I headed into a pastors’ lunch one afternoon, an older pastor I admired greeted me with a big smile and asked, “Can we chat afterward?” I wasn’t sure what Glen wanted to ask me. After the lunch concluded, we walked out to the patio together. Glen got right to the point. “Would you be interested in being part of a covenant group I’m forming?” He explained that he was inviting four other pastors to join the group. We would meet once a month and go on two retreats each year.
It was a significant commitment, but the answer was an easy yes. I already knew and liked two of the other pastors he had invited, and I valued the opportunity to be mentored by Glen. Four years later, our covenant group has become a deep source of joy and encouragement in my life.
Yet ten years before our group began, I was at a low point relationally. My wife, Angel, and I weren’t doing well, and that struggle was compounded by the fact that I had few close friends. We graduated from seminary in 2006 and took ministry calls in the same town where we had studied. During seminary we enjoyed a close community, and we managed to maintain a few of those relationships for several years afterward. But one by one our friends moved away, and our peer relationships dwindled. The roles of pastor and counselor created new challenges in forming deep friendships. Early in ministry, the demands of being a pastor, husband, and father —sadly in that order—consumed much of my time and attention. As a result, I allowed my friendships to slowly atrophy. By God’s grace, I came out of that hard season having learned the proper prioritization of husband, father, and pastor (now in correct order) that I would take into my future ministry and which Paul teaches us: “for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Tim. 3:4–5).
A cultural issue
Friendship is losing ground in our culture.
Last year the Harvard Kennedy School published an article entitled, “The Friendship Recession.” Carolynn Bruckman reports, “According to the American Perspectives Survey, the percentage of U.S. adults who report having no close friends has quadrupled to 12% since 1990, while the percentage of those with ten or more close friends has fallen by nearly threefold.” That is no surprise when the amount of time spent with friends, which held steady at 6.5 hours per week plummeted to 4 hours per week between 2014 and 2019.
Researchers cited many causes: the internet, suburban sprawl, longer work hours and an increased focus on the nuclear family. The cost of this loss of friendship is significant: increased loneliness, deepens isolation, and compounds over time. The internet age is an age of acquaintances. Many of us have dozens of casual connections, but very few true friends. Long ago Solomon warned about this very dynamic: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24).
Forming deeper friendships
Tucked inside Solomon’s warning is also a promise. There really is such a thing as “a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” That kind of friendship is possible, but many of us are unsure how to cultivate it. Here are three suggestions.
First, take risks. One reason many people struggle to form deep friendships is that they have been hurt in the past. Perhaps we started opening up to someone only to learn later that they gossiped about us. Or, we thought we had discovered a meaningful connection, only to be ghosted. Proverbs reminds us that the risk is worth taking the initiative: “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered” (Prov. 11:25). Friendships also require time and intentionality. Sometimes that means saying yes to joining a connection group at church, serving on a ministry team, or even joining a pickleball league.
Second, consistency is key. It is easy to allow the demands of life to crowd out friendships. But relationships cannot deepen without regular connection over time. That is why meaningful friendships often involve intentional rhythms—coffee dates, meals, phone calls, or scheduled gatherings. Without consistency, relationships usually remain shallow. The early church modeled this kind of committed relational life: “And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.” (Acts 2:42). Friendship grows where people are devoted to showing up for one another.
Finally, the questions we ask one another matter. It’s easy to stay at the level of shared interests (like sports, hobbies, or current events), while missing our friend’s heart. Scripture tells us that true friendships shape us and strengthen us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). When Glen started our covenant group, he introduced us to a simple method of connecting through four questions. Every time we meet, each person answers them:
What is delighting you? This question helps us hear where our friend’s hearts are soaring: where they are experiencing joy and where they are encouraged.
What is draining you? This question can press into sin issues in our own lives, or challenges we are dealing with. It is an on ramp into authentically letting one another into our pain.
What are you discovering? This question challenges us to consider how we are learning and growing.
What are you determined to do? This invites those in relationships into commitments and follow-through.
Friendships and our witness
Who’s your Ruth? The loyalist who will walk through life’s hardest seasons with you. Solomon writes, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” God never intended for us to navigate life alone. Christian friendship is meant to be a place where burdens are shared and faith is strengthened. Paul says that we can reduce the gospel to our care for one another, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).
You don’t have to settle for a shrinking circle of friends, or a growing sense of relational isolation Christ has made us to enjoy friendship. In fact, the witness of the church is closely tied to the way Christians love one another. Jesus said: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (Jn 13:34-35). In a lonely age, deep Christian friendship is not just a personal blessing—it is a powerful testimony to the love of Christ.
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Photo by Felix Rostig on Unsplash