There is an ancient proverb that says, “The man who loves all women loves no women. The man who loves one woman loves all women.” There is real wisdom in that saying. True love is faithful and sacrificial; flirtatious love is selfish and shallow. We all know people who love the idea of love more than the actual people they claim to love.
There are several ways this disordered desire can show itself. Psychologists have described three common patterns: serial love addiction, seduction addiction, and limerence.
Serial love addiction is a compulsive pursuit of the experience of "falling in love" and the emotional high that comes with romantic excitement. The addict is often more attached to the idea of romance, the thrill of the "honeymoon phase," and the rush of pursuit than to the hard, steady work of a real relationship. Such individuals move quickly from one partner to another, losing interest as soon as the excitement fades, and then searching for the next emotional "fix" or conquest.
Seduction addiction, a term coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes, refers to a pattern in which a person seeks validation by awakening romantic or sexual interest in another (a subtype of sex addiction). This often takes the form of intense but insincere pursuit: flirtation designed to capture attention, only to abandon the relationship once the thrill of the chase is gone.
Finally, limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, describes an involuntary state of intense emotional obsession, fixation, and infatuation. A person in limerence is consumed by emotional highs and lows, often living more in fantasy than in reality, and may be drawn more to longing itself than to the possibility of a faithful, enduring relationship.
Each of these impulses distorts what love was created to be. Scripture teaches that love is not self-seeking (1 Cor. 13:5). Love does not use others to gratify the self; it gives itself for the good of the beloved.
This is true not only in romance, but also in the life of the church.
When Paul wrote his famous chapter on love, he was not writing chiefly to married couples or romantic partners. He was writing to a congregation. He was addressing the life of the church. And the chapter ends with this sweeping declaration: “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13:13).
Over the years, I have met many people who love the idea of the church, but don’t demonstrate fidelity to her. They consume church via livestream, but don’t gather with the saints. They attend services but do not serve. They drift from one congregation to another without ever planting roots. They attend Bible studies, but avoid meaningful commitment to a local body. Yet love for Christ’s church was never meant to remain a thin sentiment directed toward an idea. It is meant to become a thick, durable, relational commitment.
In The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, “The more I love humanity in general the less I love man in particular. In my dreams, I often make plans for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually face crucifixion if it were suddenly necessary. Yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together.” That observation may be even truer today than when Dostoyevsky penned it more than 150 years ago. We hide behind screens, finding disembodied community with those who think like we do, while quietly retreating from embodied fellowship with real people.
One of God’s gifts in the church is precisely this: the church is a diverse people. It is made up of different ages, ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, personalities, and political leanings. And that diversity is not a problem to be managed; it is a gift to be received.
Christ gave himself to create one people, “For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility” (Eph. 2:14). Again and again, Paul exhorts the various churches to live out this unity in practical ways. The church is one of God’s appointed places of sanctification where we learn to bear with one another, forgive one another, be reconciled to one another, humble ourselves, submit to one another, and serve one another.
Jesus himself tied the church’s witness to the world to the love believers have for one another, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (Jn 13:35).
“The man who loves all women loves no women. The man who loves one woman loves all women.” In much the same way, the man who loves all churches loves no church. But the man who loves one church loves the Church. Let us root our love for Christ and his people in thick commitment to the local church he has called us to. Let us gather faithfully. Let us serve joyfully. Let us endure patiently. And let us love the people of God not merely in word or sentiment, but in truth, sacrifice, and fidelity. Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 Jn 3:18).
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